Sirius Black: Unicorn King
by xEmilyMoox
Summary: This is the completely factual story of what exactly happened to our beloved Sirius after falling through the veil, and how he became the Unicorn King.
1. Sirius Black: The Beginning

Disclaimer: I do not own Sirius Black, anyone from the _Harry Potter_ series, the song about celebrating, or a unicorn…read on!

Sirius Black: Unicorn King

Sirius Black was dead. Despite this being a well known fact, not much is known about his passing, other than how he tragically fell through the veil in the department of mysteries. This is, in fact, the completely true story of the events that took place after the departure of dear Sirius from our world. This is the utterly, totally, 100 percent true story of how he came to hold the eminent title of the Unicorn King.

Falling, floating, flying, Sirius was plummeting surprisingly slowly down into an unknown abyss. His short life flashing before his eyes as he disappeared behind the veil: splinters of memories from his childhood…little clips from his long duration in Azkaban…that one time when he and James turned Snape into a half-toucan in sixth year, which he still found hilarious as he tumbled into darkness. Eventually, the blackness of the abyss gave way to the startling green of a pasture in the spring, and he came to a halt as he hit the hard, green, grassy ground.

Feeling vaguely disoriented, Sirius rolled onto his back and gazed upward into what he hoped was the sky. Sadly, it was not. Instead, he found himself face-to-face with…a unicorn?

"What the…?" Sirius muttered more to himself than to the creature before him. The animal's wide mouth formed into a grin.

"Welcome," it began in a strangely cheerful voice, "to your death!" It whinnied joyfully at the end of the phrase, and began to prance around the pasture.

"Er…excuse me? What? Did you say that I was dead?" Sirius queried confusedly. The happy creature continued to dance about. "Hello? Are you listening to me? Can you hear me?" It simply circled him, prancing merrily. "What in the…" The unicorn galloped off into the distance. Shaking his head he stated, "This is just ridiculous."

Suddenly, with a patter and pounding of hooves, the unicorn reappeared. The wide grin still playing across its mouth, it began to speak in its shrill, strange voice.

"Sorry about that, little buddy! I just get a bit too excited on occasion! Anyways, follow me, pal! I know we'll have tons of fun together!" whinnied the unicorn. It pranced off once more, looking back to nod at Sirius to follow it. Sprinting to keep up, Sirius trailed after the beast through the rolling hills of the emerald meadow, then on into a thick forest. In his haste, Sirius tripped over a large log and went sprawling onto the foliaged-covered ground.

"All right there, friend?" the unicorn asked a sickeningly sweet concerned voice.

"No," Sirius sputtered, spitting leaves out of his mouth. "What is wrong with you?" he questioned severely. The unicorn's smile refused to falter, and it began to look somewhat manic.

"Oh, you are so silly! Nothing is wrong with me! Is something wrong with you, chum?" The unicorn gazed wide-eyed down at him, its nose within an inch of his. Sirius stared directly into its round blue eyes, which was rather difficult seeing as they were on the sides of its head. Eventually, Sirius gave up trying stare into its annoyingly bright eyes, and stood, brushing the brown leaves off his body. He stared at the irritant of an animal coldly, before beginning to speak.

"Before you go galloping off like that again, I have a few questions," he stated evenly, trying not to lose his temper with the maddening animal.

"Fire away, buddy!" Sirius rolled his eyes.

"OK, first of all, how in the name of Merlin did I get here?"

The unicorn blinked its buggy, bright eyes, before replying, "You died, of course!" Suddenly, Sirius recalled the events at the department of mysteries. Fighting the Death Eaters, dueling with his cousin, and then falling through that cloth at the archway…

"What about Harry, is he all right?" Sirius gasped.

"Oh, sure he is!" it whinnied.

"How do you know?" he asked suspiciously.

"Mars is bright tonight…" the unicorn replied enigmatically. Sirius rolled his eyes once more.

"Don't go all centaur-ish on me," Sirius stated, eyeing it cautiously.

"Why, whatever do you mean?" it queried, blinking innocently.

"I think you know perfectly well what I mean."

"Maybe I don't, partner."

"Do too." 

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Yes you freaking do! Now just shut it and tell me where we're going!" Sirius declared, his hands balled into fists. The unicorn blinked its big blue eyes, its lips quivering, and promptly burst into tears. It turned on its hoofed heel, and galloped off, weeping all the while. Momentarily, Sirius thought of chasing after it, but decided it for the best to let the creature be. After all, it had been badgering him incessantly since their introduction. Sighing, he turned around to survey his surroundings. Besieged by the trees, there was no obvious way out of the forest, and he could not clearly recollect how he and the beast had entered. Holding his head high, Sirius set off briskly, promenading directly ahead.

As night began to fall, Sirius grew tired, and found himself sitting at the base of a large pine. Looking up into the numerous needles of the tree, he suddenly found something wet in his eye. Was he crying? Today had certainly been traumatic, what with his dieing and all, but it seemed far too sudden to be a tear. Reaching up to his gray eye to wipe away the wetness, he found – a spitball? Indeed, it was a wad of paper that had been soaked in saliva and spat at him!

"Who threw this?" he called, but to no answer. "I know your there!" Yet again, no reply came. His eyes darting around like a soaring snitch, he searched for the culprit, and found none. Perhaps his time in Azkaban really had gotten to him; perhaps he had gone mad!

"No, don't think like that, Padfoot!" a voice inside his head scolded.

"Padfoot? Who?" another voice questioned.

"Oh, well you obviously aren't the brightest of the bunch. You're Padfoot, remember? You know, you turn into a big, black, shaggy canine?" the fist voice hinted.

"Of course, how could I have forgotten!" Sirius cried aloud, slapping his hand to his forehead. "I'll just sniff out whoever threw this…thing!" With that, his body began to reshape itself, and become even hairier than before. His hands and feet became padded paws, and his nose grew cold and wet. Looking down, he was much closer to the leafy ground, and he could smell every little earthworm and grain of dirt beneath the layers of foliage. He lowered his nose to the ground, and sniffed around until he located the wad of paper and spit. Uck. The odor of stale chocolate and artificially flavored candy left out to mold filled his nostrils; he had smelled some pretty nasty things in his life, but this had to be one of the nastier ones.

Speeding through the forest, Sirius was determined to find his spitball-attacker. After all, it was not as though he had much else to do; he had died, and currently had no idea as to what he was meant to accomplish in this…after-life, if anything. Then, out of the blue, another spitball attacked him! Angered even further by this second assault, Sirius darted through the forest faster than ever, his nose going like mad. Nobody pulled the wool over Sirius Black's eyes and got away with it! He would find them, even if he had to go to the ends of the earth…or wherever this was.

Several hours later, Sirius found himself flopped down on the ground, panting exhaustedly. Without warning, yet another spitball found its way to his head. Whoever was doing this obviously intended on driving him insane, and honestly, they were thus far succeeding. Rapidly, a large onslaught of spitballs attacked his side, covering him with saliva-covered gobs of paper. Thoroughly repulsed, he growled fiercely, only to be besieged once more with the icky clumps of wet paper. Unknowingly, he rapidly became human again, and stood on his two long legs.

"Whoever is doing this had better knock it off before I do something very cruel and unusual!" He whirled around, and was suddenly met by a massive mound of wet paper. The force of the encounter knocked him backwards, throwing him against a huge tree, and knocking him unconscious.

Blinking blearily, Sirius rubbed his eyes as he regained consciousness. Glancing around, he realized it was the second time that day he had awoken in a foreign place. He laid on a bed of hay, in what appeared to be a horse stall, complete with a horse comb, and an enormous container of sugar cubes. Standing shakily, Sirius made to move towards the stall gate, but before he could swing it open, a familiar voice called out to him.

"Hello there, friend." Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Marvelous. You again," Sirius stated, not turning to face the bothersome unicorn.

"You know, what you said hurt my feelings very badly, little buddy. Nobody had ever been that mean to me before." There was a sorrowful tone in the creature's shrill voice. Sirius slowly faced the animal, its blue eyes watering as they gazed down at him.

"So…can I go now?" Sirius asked impatiently. The unicorn blinked slowly several times at him. "What?" he questioned as the creature continued to look blankly at him.

"You have a trial to attend."

"What are you talking about? Are they having one to clear my name? Have they finally realized it was Pettigrew?" He dared to hope that he would be able to live a normal life again, be able to live with Harry, and never have to eat rats again! Suddenly, reality crashed down upon him, and he remembered that he was, in fact, deceased.

The creature stared at him confusedly before replying, "No…this trial is to determine your punishment for being a meanie to me." Sirius was aghast.

"What the bloody hell are you talking about? I never did anything to you! This is just-" Before he could finish, the unicorn burst into tears again, and galloped out of the stable. Grunting angrily at the unicorn's bothersome behavior, he made to push open the short gate, but found that it would not budge. Shaking, rattling, kicking, he attempted to move the gate, yet it refused to be opened. Eventually giving up on opening it, Sirius threw one leg over the top of it, and clambered over to the other side, falling to the musty stable floor in the process. Once out of the stall, Sirius turned to hurry out of the stable, but instead found himself nose-to-nose with a giant snow-white unicorn with a long horn the color of shiny silver.

"So you are the criminal who dare to offend a poor, innocent, sweet, dear, darling, adorable, cute, nice, pious, kind, beautiful, lovable, peaceful, friendly, sugar-loving, unicorn?" the creature snorted in his face.

"Erm, no, I don't think I've offended anybody," Sirius protested. The unicorn glared at him with a detesting eye.

"Oh no? Well, what about this poor creature?" It gestured to that same infuriating unicorn Sirius had encountered in the meadow. "Did you not tell this poor creature to 'shut it,' and then more recently use foul language in front of it? Do not you realize the damaging effect that anger and cruelty have on poor, innocent, sweet, dear, darling, adorable, cute, nice, pious, kind, beautiful, lovable, peaceful, friendly, sugar-loving unicorns?" The snowy colored creature's contemptuous yet shrill voice rang irritatingly in his ears. This long-winded explanation did not help Sirius's frustration, and to add to that he was developing a severe headache.

"Well, I've no idea about damaging dear unicorn darlings or whatever, but do you know who was throwing those spitballs at me?" Sirius figured he might as well ask the unicorns something useful while they were pestering him with their bizarreness.

"Yes, we threw the spit balls," it stated proudly.

"And why would you do this?" Sirius asked confusedly.

"It is the first part of your punishment. The rest shall be decided at your trial," it explained impatiently.

"Oh. So what are you going to do to me—make me write an apology card to it?" he asked lazily, pointing to the first unicorn. The other unicorn snorted.

"I have already told you, human! We will inform you at your trial!" it declared, stomping its large hoof. Then, it smiled at him in the same manic way as the first unicorn, and asked, "Would you care for a sugar cube?" As if on cue, the human's stomach growled immediately after this statement, and the unicorns whinnied merrily.

"Erm…I suppose I'll have one," he replied, not knowing if this was some sort of trick. After all, that giant unicorn had just berated him a moment ago for offending the other unicorn. The large unicorn picked a bucket of sugar cubes up with its mouth and offered them to Sirius, who in turn retrieved one from the bucket. He popped the treat into his mouth, and immediately tasted the strong sweetness of the sugar. The unicorns gazed expectantly at him, before trotting outside. Sirius followed them out of the stable, and was surprised to find that night had arrived, and that he was standing in a cluster of unicorns, all of whom were looking up interestedly into the sky.

"Mars is bright tonight…" one nearby him remarked in an unbearably high-pitched voice.

"Indeed," another concurred.

"Quite," stated yet another.

"It is true," another declared assuredly. Other agreements rang through the air, until the large unicorn stomped its hoof and neighed loudly.

"Mars is bright. So bright…we must…celebrate!" it declared, joyfully.

"Yeah!" the first unicorn Sirius met shouted. "We gotta…CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON! IT'S TIME TO CELEBRATE!" The unicorns whinnied and cheered in agreement.

"Let's roast marshmallows!" one cried.

"Let's sing songs!" another hollered.

"Let's eat candy!" another exclaimed. Each declaration was met with a resounding cheer from the other unicorns, and the large one proceeded to yell:

"To the barn!" With that, all the unicorns galloped off to the barn like a children skipping to a playground. Sirius was left standing in the dust, shaking his head.

"This is going to be interesting," he drawled. And as he heard the excited whinnies and cheers of unicorns singing an undistinguishable song, he indeed, new that this after life would be interesting.


	2. Sirius Black: Felonious Felon

Disclaimer: I, of course, own nothing, so…read on, Sirius-lovers! (And none Sirius-lovers, too)

Sirius Black: Felonious Felon

The day dawned clear and bright, without a single cloud daring to disturb the serene sapphire sky. The many woodland creatures of the forest scampered about; squirrels chomping on walnuts, the melodious chirping of birds rang throughout the land, and fell on the distressed ears of one Sirius Black.

"But I didn't do anything wrong!" he protested to the unwilling unicorns filling the oddly colorful courtroom.

The unicorn judge glared down at him and stated, "You have indeed committed a crime, you cruel, callous, mean, evil, bad, felonious, felon! Firstly, you said some mean stuff to our little pal here," it gestured to the unicorn that Sirius had unpleasantly been acquainted with the previous day. "Secondly, you said a naughty word!" Sirius rolled his gray eyes, and gazed at the heavily decorated walls. The mural on the wall to his right depicted a happy unicorn dancing delightedly atop a rainbow, while what appeared to be an angry squirrel was driven away in an armored car to a small jailhouse. On the other, the phrase, "NO MEANIES ALLOWED!" was painted in giant, childish writing with vivid violet paint.

The judge cleared its throat, and Sirius turned to look at the unicorn as it began to speak:

"The punishment of this cruel, callous, mean, evil, bad, felonious, felon will be," it paused to take a deep breath, "determined by the victim!" it finished, gazing expectantly at the supposed victim.

"Hmm…" the smaller unicorn thought. It tapped its hoof to its chin, while all eyes in the courtroom fell upon it. "Hmm…" it said again, lost in thought. The other unicorns stared at it with rapt attention for what felt like decades to Sirius, before it declared, "I got it!" It stood up, its face alight.

"What?" cried one unicorn. "What did you decide?"

"Yes, tell us!" another exclaimed excitedly.

A blank stare came over the first unicorn's face, before ashamedly saying, "I forgot. Give me a few more minutes, though, it'll come back to me!" Fuming, Sirius could hardly believe his ears. Not only were those cursed birds still yapping, but he still did not know what awaited him as punishment. As the other unicorns turned to one another to discuss in slightly hushed voices what the sufferer had decided, Sirius took the opportunity to bang his head on the desk in front of him. He was surrounded by lunatics.

After approximately a century, the unicorn stood up once more and the courtroom returned to silence, with the exception of Sirius who continued to bang his head against the desk, and the unicorn stated, "Because Mr. Sirius was such a meanie to me," it paused to look at the man who persisted to harm himself. "Hey, don't hurt yourself, little buddy!" it cried, and ran over to Sirius and drew into a hug using its hooves.

"What the…? What are you doing?" Sirius wheezed as the unicorn embraced him far too tightly.

"I don't want you to get hurt!" it declared. Sirius rolled his eyes yet again, and attempted to pull away. "Anyway," it began, "his punishment was supposed to be to give me a hug, and say sorry. But we're already hugging, so I guess he just has to apologize!" The unicorn beamed as it released Sirius from its absurdly strong grip.

"Sorry," he panted, gasping for air.

"Apology accepted!" it exclaimed joyfully. "Now…let's have breakfast!" Sirius groaned at the thought. Knowing these…psychos, breakfast was bound to be something bizarre and probably inedible. Trudging along, Sirius followed the mob of unicorns out of the courtroom, over a river, and through some woods, until they reached a winding dirt path. In a storm of whinnies and cheers, the unicorns galloped gleefully up the trail.

"Wait!" Sirius called out as his excessively joyful companions abandoned him for whatever lay at the end of the path.

Sirius plodded moodily along the trail, dust floating up towards him with each heavy footstep he took. The dead man lifted his head to gaze at his surroundings, and found that on either side of the path stood gigantic trees whose limbs reached up to the heavens. Speaking of heaven, Sirius began to ponder as to where exactly he was. He knew that he had died when he fell through the veil, yet, where exactly had he gone? Was this Hell? After what he had endured with those horned nutters, it sure felt like it. Surely, it could not be Heaven! Whenever Sirius thought of Heaven, he pictured Lily and Prongs, welcoming him to their little happy cloud, where they would play exploding snap and annoy all the goody-goody dead people. Or was he in a separate place, one where only victims of the veil went? If that were true, then maybe he would run into someone else here, besides the manic monstrosities he had already met.

Pushing the thoughts of his location from his mind, Sirius looked up once more, only to realize that he was standing before an ancient, wooden abode. Sighing, Sirius trotted forward onto a wobbly porch that he would bet a hundred galleons was about to collapse at any moment. Sirius carefully hopped over to the equally unbalanced wooden door and rapped his knuckles against it, hoping the force would not cause it to collapse.

"Who is it?" called yet another shrill voice, similar to that of the unicorns.

"Er…I'm Sirius…" he replied.

"Well, come in!" the voice commanded. Sirius turned the knob as gently as humanly possible, hoping not to injure the door and be punished. If he had to hug one more unicorn…well, he wasn't sure what exactly he might do, but he would probably regret it. Despite his best attempts, the ancient handle flew off the door, and landed with crash on the deck beneath him. Snatching the knob, Sirius struggled to return it to its proper place, yet to no avail. After several frantic minutes, the door swung open, knocking a surprised Sirius backwards. A strange creature of vague resemblance to a house-elf stood before him, looking as ancient and rickety as the house.

"Causing trouble, eh?" it queried in its piercing voice, raising one white eyebrow. Sirius blinked blankly at the creature, in awe at its oddness and wondering what exactly it was. "Well, what're you waiting for? Come on, get in," the creature scolded him, pointing one heavily aged finger inside the cabin. Sirius carefully walked into the hovel, trying not to injure anything else. Once inside, Sirius was surprised to find it completely empty.

Turning toward the creature, Sirius asked, "Er…where are all the unicorns?" His companion appeared confused for a moment before it responded:

"What—those bloody horses with antlers? No idea. Dead, I hope." Sirius was yet again surprised.

"You hate them too? God, I thought I was alone!" Sirius stated, relieved.

"Oh, but you are alone," the thing said in a mysterious voice.

"What?" he questioned surprised for the third time in nearly two minutes.

"It is you alone that can become..." it trailed off.

"What? What can I become?" Sirius asked, rushing over to the creature, which seemed to be an overgrown house-elf.

"You must become," it began, turning to face him. Without warning, the house-elfish thingy collapsed onto the creaky floor of the shelter.

"What?" Sirius posed hurriedly, bending down to look it in the eye.

"The…" it wheezed.

"The what?" Sirius asked, growing desperate.

"The…" it sputtered hoarsely.

"Come on, spit it out! I haven't all day, you know!" Sirius shouted impatiently. On that note, the creature took one more raggedy breath, and promptly died. Sirius stared at it for a moment, before dropping the corpse, and walking away. It wasn't as if it was his fault the thing picked the most inopportune moment to kick the bucket. Yet, he still wondered what it exactly it was that only he could become.

The dilapidated door swung open, and the unicorn who had served as judge in Sirius' trial cantered inside. Its gaze suddenly fell upon the creature, and it let out a blood curdling whinny. Without warning, the unicorn charged at Sirius, chasing the man from the ancient home, down the dirt path, through the woods, over a river, and into the courtroom, where, to his fourth surprise of the day, sat the mob of unicorns. As he sprinted into the room, the many unicorns turned towards him. The judge unicorn took its spot behind the stand, and banged a large pink gavel against, calling for silence.

"The cruel, callous, mean, evil, bad, felonious felon stands before us for yet a second time today! On this occasion, it is for the murder of our beloved food supplier, the overgrown house-elf thingy known as Mildred!" Gasps and neighs met the shout of the judge.

"Hark, it cannot be!" one distressed unicorn called out.

"I shan't believe it!" another shouted, aghast at the news.

"I say neigh!" a unicorn going by the name of Fred bellowed, bringing a bout of silence to the courtroom. Sirius looked at the shocked faces of his unwanted companions, and cleared his throat.

"Excuse me," he addressed them, "but I did not kill that…thingy. It just up and died." This was met with even more gasps and neighs, which were interrupted by the banging of the judge's gavel.

"Are we to believe this cruel, callous, mean, evil, bad, felonious felon, who has already been convicted of one heinous crime?" the judge called out to its fellows. This, unlike many sayings that day, was met with utter silence, the room so quiet you could hear the drop of a strand of straw. Yet, one lone voice cut short the quiet, hollering:

"I say neigh!" Everyone in the vicinity turned to look at the unicorn, who in turn looked at the judge, who looked at Sirius, who looked at the mural reading, "NO MEANIES ALLOWED!"

After quite some time, the judge spoke, "I say that Fred is right. We are not to believe this cruel, callous, mean, evil, bad, felonious felon. No, indeed, we are to banish him from our land, until he returns with the only thing that can make up for the pain and suffering he has caused us. He will be banished until he returns with the Almighty Almond Flavored Pecan Pie!" This statement was met with even more gasps, but no neighs were to be heard, as the unicorns were all in agreement with this statement. Sirius however, was not.

"I have to find an almond flavored pecan pie? What sort of rubbish is that? Pecan pie isn't _almond_ flavored; it is pecan flavored, hence the title Pecan Pie," Sirius called out to the apparent fools surrounding him.

"Alas, this cruel, callous, mean, evil, bad, felonious felon knows not of the legend of the Almighty Almond Flavored Pecan Pie!" The judge proclaimed, seemingly dismayed. A flood of gasps and neighs filled the courtroom, with all of the unicorns in utter disbelief.

"I say neigh!" Fred called out again.

"I say ni!" A random Knight of Ni called out, earning a glare from the unicorns. "Well, I suppose I'll just be getting back to Monty Python…" he said, and promptly returned to the correct story, which happens to be a smashingly good movie, highly recommended by our felonious felon and many others.

"Well, I say that we tell our little chum about the legend of the Almighty Almond Flavored Pecan Pie," the first unicorn Sirius ever was acquainted with stated.

"I agree," the judge agreed.

"I concur," another concurred.

"I say neigh!" Fred yelled.

"Oh, would you shut it?" the judge bellowed at Fred, who remained silent for a moment, before bursting into tears. Suddenly, the judge found its self being removed from the stand, as the other unicorns neighed at its rudeness towards the crying creature. "What is wrong with you?" it asked the angry unicorns.

"You were mean to Fred, and there are no meanies allowed!" the first unicorn shrieked. The judge was taken aback, as was Sirius.

"Because of this, the position of judge is now Henrietta's because she is never, ever, ever mean!" one unicorn called out in a voice slightly less shrill than that of most unicorns. All of the unicorns quickly returned to their seats as, to Sirius' surprise, that first unicorn took the stand, and was greeted with many cheers and whinnies. The unicorn sat proudly, waiting for quiet.

"As my very first ever act as judge," Henrietta began, "I say that the old judge, Judy, must accompany Sirius the semi-cruel, not very callous, mean, evil, bad or felonious felon, on his journey for the Almighty Almond Flavored Pecan Pie. But first, we have to explain it to him," Henrietta explained in an oddly professional manner.

"The condensed version, I hope," one unicorn called, "the full one takes way, way, way, way, way, way, too long."

"Of course, silly! I don't want to keep us here 'till lunchtime!" Henrietta declared, returning to her usual cheerful tone. She took a deep breath, before beginning to tell the tale:

"One time, a really, really, really long time ago, like, fourteen years maybe, a man and a woman died, and came here. This was really not unusual, but what was unusual was the strange dessert that they had discovered in the woods while on their way to our little, tiny, cute, nice, unicorn village. This dessert was, in fact, a pecan pie that tasted oddly like almonds," she paused for a moment to look around the courtroom as all eyes rested on her.

"The man and the woman were very kind, and they always shared the pie with all the unicorns, except when they were really, really, hungry, which was kind of a lot, but that's not really important. Anyways, because they were so nice, they became the Unicorn King and Queen, because unicorns are the nicest things ever invented. But one day, they disappeared with their pie, and they were never, ever, ever found ever again! It is said that if someone ever finds that strangely delicious pie, they will also find the man and woman, which is why it is called the Almighty Almond Flavored Pecan Pie. And, whoever finds the Almighty Almond Flavored Pecan Pie becomes the Unicorn King or Queen, because you have to be really, really, really, nice in order to find it." Silence filled the courtroom like sugar cubes filling the mouth of a nice unicorn. But it could not last, as Sirius posed a question:

"What were the man and woman named?" For some reason, he felt as though he might know just who they were, and if he was right, then he definitely would find the pie, no matter what.

"They were called Lucy and Jim, weren't they?" one unicorn called out.

"No, it was Lyle and Jenna," another stated.

"It wasn't any of those; they were Lily and James," the recently sacked judge, Judy, said decidedly, confirming Sirius' suspicions. And without a doubt, Sirius knew that he would find the Almighty Almond Flavored Pecan Pie, and in doing so, find Lily and James, whether he was a felonious felon or not.


	3. Sirius Black: A Serious Explorer

Disclaimer: Yeah, I own basically nothing. So…ha. Can't sue me now, buddies! Oh, and sorry this is a bit shorter than the last two.

Sirius Black: A Serious Explorer

The day dawned drearily as ominous storm clouds clung to the sky, preventing any sunlight from peeking through, almost as if the nighttime was reluctant to release its hold on the land. The nighttime, however, was not the only thing that seemed reluctant that day.

"Tell me again why I have to go along with him to find that pie?" Judy, the unicorn, groaned.

"Because you were a meanie, and so was he…So you get to go be meanies together and find that pie," Henrietta, the recently appointed unicorn judge, explained.

"I say yay!" Fred, who previously neighed excessively, declared.

"Well, yes, but if we're meanies, then why are we being sent to find something that would lead to us ruling all the unicorns?" Judy asked, scowling at Fred. The other unicorns stared blankly at her.

"Erm…because we're the only ones that can do it?" Sirius suggested hesitantly.

"Wait, I thought that old crone house-elf told him he was the only one that could do it?" a random unicorn questioned, gesturing to Sirius, who sat on a chair in the corner of the barn.

Surprisingly, Fred spoke up, "To this, I say that she might have been talking about something else. So, I suppose you don't know as much as you thought you did, eh smarty?" Taken aback at Fred's suddenly enlarged vocabulary, everyone in the vicinity gasped. The random unicorn ran off in a fit of tears, earning Fred a gently reprimanding look from Henrietta.

"That was not very nice of you, Fred. I guess I'll have to make you go with our other little buddies to go find the Almighty Almond Flavored Pecan Pie as your…punishment. After all, I am the judge," Henrietta finished in her usual shrill tone.

"Well, isn't _this_ going to be fun?" Judy, an affirmed hater of Fred, asked in a tone replete with sarcasm.

"I say yay!" Fred declared, failing to notice the air of disdain surrounding his fellow unicorn. Indeed, Sirius began to cough violently due to the excessive amount of disdain floating about, as even he did not loathe Fred to that extent and was not accustomed to all the cynicism. Sirius then had to step outside for a moment in order to clear his head of the scathing thoughts that had previously radiated from Judy.

After several minutes, the other unicorns joined Sirius, their backs holding two saddle bags each. Adorned decoratively with rainbows and flowers, the pink saddle bags appeared far happier than the unicorn that once held the position of judge, who held an extra large bag in her mouth. She dropped it at Sirius's feet, and neighed bitterly.

"You carry this," she stated pointedly, glaring at the bag as though it was the one forcing her on this quest. Sirius unceremoniously snatched the disgustingly bright bag and slung it over his shoulder, not wanting to look at the overly cheerful designs.

Sirius glanced at his two comrades before querying, "Can we go now?" Fred stared blankly at him, while Judy stood motionless before slowly staring forward, apparently pained by each step.

"I say neigh!" Fred said stupidly. Judy turned towards him, rolling her eyes.

"And why is that?"

Fred looked confused for a moment and asked, "I say, I have no idea where we're going!"

"You've got to be kidding me," Sirius muttered to himself. He suddenly felt the urge to smash his head into the side of the barn.

"We're going to find the Almighty Almond Flavored Pecan Pie, you dolt!" she declared.

"Well, I obviously knew where our destination was, but I was inquiring as to how we were going to get there," Fred explained in a surprisingly intelligent manner.

"Firstly," Judy began, "We're going to head down Potato Path, then into Sugary Swamp, up Molehill Mountain, through Fuzzy Forest, and over Lemon Leaf Lake. On the other side of the lake should be an island, upon which the pie should sit ready for the taking," she finished, a hungry look in her eye.

"I say, all those places sound delicious, except the molehill one and the Fuzzy Forest! Let's go!" Fred declared, and galloped off down the path. Judy apparently agreed, and galloped off after him, leaving Sirius alone.

Sighing, Sirius said to himself, "This should be interesting," and started off after the unicorns to Potato Path. Little did he know how correct he was…

The three travelers plodded along down the path, occasionally looking down at the few potatoes growing on either side.

"I say, when you said this was Potato Path, I was expecting a few more potatoes than this," Fred stated, glancing cautiously at Judy and hoping not to anger her further.

"Well, I honestly had the same idea," Judy responded, her voice surprisingly sad, as all previous irritation with Fred had seemingly evaporated.

Sirius, on the other hand, was perfectly cheerful. He was going on an adventure to find something that could quite possibly lead to finding his best friends, which was quite exciting, despite the silly nature of the object itself. The pleasant fact that his to unicorn companions had remained rather reticent throughout their journey also had a cheering affect on him. Perhaps this journey would even be a somewhat enjoyable.

Suddenly, Sirius found himself staring up at a positively gigantic object in his path. Halting behind him, the unicorns neighed and grunted.

"What is that?" Judy asked. Drawing his wand from his robes, Sirius prodded the enormous object a bit, before replying:

"It's a potato…A humungous potato." Which, oddly enough, the massive object was indeed.

"I say yay! Let's eat!" Fred declared as he charged forward, proceeding to take a huge chunk out of the vegetable with his mouth. Appearing slightly reluctant, Judy joined him in eating the massive piece of food. Sirius glanced disgustedly at the creatures devouring the potato. It wasn't as though he had never eaten anything remotely disgusting; on the contrary, he once was forced to live off of rats in order to be near his godson, Harry, but that was a completely different story. After all, it had been quite necessary, where this random potato feast was not. Really, they were on a quest for Merlin's sake! An important quest at that, yet all they wanted was to scarf down a ruddy potato? Shaking his head, Sirius stepped around the vegetable to continue the exploration alone.

At first, Sirius felt rather guilty for leaving the unicorns behind, but the feeling was soon forgotten as he found himself at the edge of a swamp. Yet, it was not just any swamp; it was a swamp that appeared to be utterly abounded with brown sugar! Unable to help himself, Sirius made to stick his finger into the sugar for a taste, but was unexpectedly interrupted by a loud neigh.

"Oy, human! Sirius!" Sirius wheeled about to find himself facing Judy, whom he had thought was still munching on the bizarrely big potato. "Fred's sick! He's allergic to potatoes! You have to come help him!" she yelled before galloping back towards Fred and the potato.

Sirius deliberated with himself for a moment as to whether or not he should follow. If he didn't go back, Fred might die, which he honestly didn't think would be such a bad thing, except that Judy might be inclined murder him. If he went back, Fred might still die, but he could at least attempt to save him. However, if he kept going then he could probably get to the pie quicker. It was definitely a difficult decision, but before he knew it, Sirius found himself jogging back down the trail to Fred, Judy, and the potato.

But, could he save Fred? Would he be in time? If he didn't save Fred, would Judy be upset? Would these stupid unicorns ever let him find the pie? Sirius did not know the answers to any of these questions, but he was about to find out.


	4. Sirius Black: A Unicorn's Savior?

Disclaimer: I own nothing…………not even a Winnebago…………yay.

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Sirius Black: A Unicorn's Savior?

Sirius scrambled down the path, hurrying towards his wounded companion and the giant potato that might have killed him. Upon reaching the almost entirely eaten potato that lay discarded on the side of the trail, Sirius saw the state of the allegedly ill unicorn and was aghast. Fred was prancing about, whinnying and laughing giddily alongside Judy, who had only a moment ago, informed Sirius that Fred was terribly unwell. The two began to laugh even harder as they saw the shocked expression residing on Sirius's face. Almost immediately, the shock was replaced by rage.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" he bellowed, gesticulating angrily at the unicorns. "Here I am, thinking that you've up and kicked the bucket, when really you're perfectly fine, just prancing about! Why in the name of Godric bloody Gryffindor would you do that?" Eyes wide with fury, Sirius stared at the creatures before him. The hoofed beasts stared blankly at him for a moment before replying.

"We did it because you left us here all alone. It made us cry," Judy explained, her eyes beginning to water. This Judy was a far cry from the stern judge she had appeared as earlier, and Sirius did not believe one bit of her pitiful act. Simply rolling his eyes, Sirius turned to Fred.

"I say…you deserved it, you swine!" Fred stated.

"I didn't do anything! You're the ones who decided to have a feast on a ruddy potato right in the middle of our journey!" Sirius responded harshly.

"But…you abandoned us!" Fred cried.

"Yeah! You should have eaten some too! It isn't like we've brought a whole Winnebago of food, is it now?" Judy snapped snappily as she returned to her normal manner of rudeness.

Sirius thought for a moment before saying, "Well, I suppose we haven't. Maybe it would be best if I just continued on alone, seeing as we don't seem to be getting along so wonderfully." Gasping at the very thought, the unicorns appeared to be simply appalled.

"B-b-but…I say! We c-c-c-couldn't let y-you go all by your l-little old self!" Fred stuttered.

Judy looked at Sirius appraisingly before beginning to speak, saying: "Hmm…that creepy Mildred character did say that he was the only one that could do…something."

"Don't recall it," Fred stated.

"You know, short, crotchety old hag…looked like an overgrown house-elf," she explained. Fred shook his head in confusion. "He got arrested for her murder." Fred looked positively perplexed. Judy stared at him, frustrated. "Oh, come on! You have to remember her! She let us eat all that rubbish she grew in her garden! Carrots, celery, turnips, beets, yams, tomatoes, asparagus, cabbage…don't you remember, we called her Mildred because she wouldn't tell us her real name? Said she didn't trust anybody who wasn't named Gerald?"

"Never heard of her," came Fred's reply.

"Aw, you have to be kidding me! We went to that place every day for like…well, we've always gone to Mildred's!" Fred remained clueless.

"Maybe you should just give up," Sirius suggested, sensing that this might take a while.

"Oh, shut it, you," she directed at Sirius before continuing, "Do you recall the pasture where all those oddly delicious plants used to grow?"

"Nope. Never been there in my life."

"Fred! Of course you've been there! It isn't as though you could have lived off of sugar cubes!" Judy shouted, stamping her hoof at him.

"Er…well, aren't we all kind of…dead?" Sirius asked.

"Yes, I supposed we are," Judy admitted. "But that's not the point! Fred, you must have been there sometime!" But no reply came. "Fred? Where are you?" Glancing around, Sirius spotted no sign of the third member of their party. He did, however, see a very large hole.

"Hey, what's that?" Sirius asked.

"What's what?" Judy queried.

"What's with that hole over there?" Sirius questioned.

"Hole? Where?" Judy inquired, turning about.

"There," Sirius pointed at the hefty hole, "Don't you see it?"

"What do you think?" Judy snapped.

"Can you ever not ask a question in response to another question?" Sirius asked coolly.

"What do you have in mind?" Judy replied.

"We are way off topic here," Sirius stated.

"Too right, you are! Anyways, let's have a look at that," she declared, moving towards the hole. Sirius edged towards the large gap in the earth, and found himself shocked once more by what he saw: Resting in the hole in a crumpled heap was Fred, clearly deceased.

Sirius and Judy stared at their recently departed comrade for a moment, before Sirius asked, "Wait…if we're already dead, then how can Fred die again?" Judy thought for a moment before responding.

"Well, no one really knows for sure, but it is thought that you just go to another place like this." Judy began to trot down the path, but was interrupted by Sirius.

"Hang on! What about a funeral?" he called down the trail at her. Sirius may not have been very fond of Fred, but thought that he at least deserved a funeral.

"Oh, right." She promenaded swiftly towards the hole in which the dead creature lay. "Ahem," she cleared her throat and began. "Fred was a very, er…nice unicorn, and was also very opinionated. He was never afraid to say yay or neigh to something, which got rather annoying from time to time, but at least he spoke his mind. We'll all miss him…sort of. The end," she finished lazily, and turned to leave again.

"Well, aren't we going to bury him?" called Sirius to the absconding unicorn.

"I gave the service. You bury him," she returned nonchalantly, as though the death of a fellow unicorn did not bother her in the slightest.

"Aren't unicorns supposed to be gentle and nice and cheerful and the like? Aren't you meant to care about poor dead Fred?" Sirius voiced. Judy paid him no mind, and continued down the path. Sirius hurried after her.

Stopping directly in her path, Sirius glared into the unicorn's eyes and asked, "What is wrong with you?" Judy merely neighed and nudged him out of her path. Sighing, Sirius turned back to bury the unicorn lying in the hole, dead.

Upon reaching Fred, Sirius withdrew his wand and waved it at the dirt, which crowded in on the unicorn, covering him. Mumbling a spell, Sirius pointed his wand at the area where the dirt had covered Fred's head. A smooth, round, marble gravestone appeared, engraved with:

Here lies Fred,

A nice unicorn, who always said "Yay!" or "Neigh!"

Slightly less enthusiastic than before, Sirius set off down the path, giving one last glance back at Fred's make-shift grave. After a five-minute sprint down the path, Sirius found Judy at the edge of the Sugary Swamp.

"What took you so long," snapped Judy in a snobbishly sharp tone, not looking at Sirius.

"I had to bury Fred, remember?" Sirius snapped, his tone matching hers in hostility.

"Right. Well, let's go," she said, slightly less cruelly.

The two set off, wading through the strangely sweet-smelling swamp. They did not speak for a while nor look at each other, unil Sirius heard a gasping noise from Judy and a sudden squelching noise.

"What is it?" Sirius asked, spinning in her direction. Surprisingly, she was nowhere to be seen. "Judy?" he called. "Where are you?" Yet, no answer came. "Are you all right?" Still, there was no reply. Whirling around, Sirius finally spotted a thin white leg with a hoof sticking up out of the swamp. Struggling over towards the leg, Sirius found himself being pulled down, as the leg sank along with him. Flailing madly, Sirius pushed against the sugary muck as it pulled him downward. After much gesticulating and pain on Sirius's part, he managed to free himself from the swamp's grip. The thin leg, however, had disappeared, and with a sinking feeling, Sirius realized that the leg must have belonged to Judy.

Now very much alone, Sirius clambered onto dry land and set his pink pack down beside him. If Sirius had been asked a single day before if the unicorns mattered anything to him at all whatsoever, he would have said absolutely not. But as he sat so alone without anyone to talk to or be annoyed endlessly by, Sirius was not quite sure that his answer would be the same. Indeed, with the empty feeling inside him, Sirius thought that he must, somehow, miss the odd creatures. Then he heard his stomach growl, and realized that he was just very hungry.

Sirius reached inside the sack and withdrew a large bag full of little frosted cakes. He opened the bag to retrieve one, and found that they had become wet during his struggle with the swamp. With a wave of his wand, the cakes were dry, and he began to gobble them down. Ordinarily, Sirius would have conjured up a feast for himself, but he wasn't sure that he would be able to do so. After all, he was in a foreign land and was apparently dead, though he certainly did not feel so.

As Sirius finished the third cake, the moon looked down sorrowfully upon him, as though trying to apologize for his recent losses. He exhaled deeply, pulling a tightly rolled sleeping bag from the pack. Even in the dark, Sirius could tell that it too was a violent pink, but he was too tired to mind. Today had been a terribly exhausting day for Sirius, and within a minute of crawling into the sleeping bag, which was very large, extremely soft and highly comfortable after being unrolled, he fell fast asleep.


	5. Sirius Black: Solitary Searcher

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Not even the computer on which I am writing this. Wait a minute…I own Erg and that mean mole! Oh…maybe that isn't a good thing…

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Sirius Black: Solitary Searcher

A soft wind whispered through the thin needles clinging to the branches of the pines lining the dirt pathway, as the radiant red sun rose. However, the sun was soon hidden behind an extremely extensive cloud that stifled the sunlight, and the world remained dark.

This dreary weather was perfectly suitable to Sirius Black. As Sirius had no others to accompany him on his perilous journey to locate the Almighty Almond Flavored Pecan Pie, he resigned himself to being a solitary searcher. Though, perhaps "resigned" is not exactly the correct term, as he did not submit to being alone; in fact, the two companions he once had were now dead, due to two separate accidents, which were both very tragic and highly unusual.

The first of Sirius's companions to die was a somewhat annoying unicorn called Fred, who had become deceased after falling into a large hole. Despite the dreadfulness of his death, it was rather convenient that he died in a hole, as it made it quite easy for Sirius to bury him.

Secondly came the death of the unicorn called Judy, who had previously been the judge in the unicorn village. After Fred perished, Sirius and Judy had set off on their journey once more. Sirius and Judy waded through the Sugary Swamp, until they encountered some major difficulties. Namely, a mysterious force in the swamp similar to quick sand had dragged the two terrified travelers down into its depths. Sirius managed to escape the swamp. Sadly, Judy did not, and therefore departed from her death onto…well, anyways, she died again. End of story.

Nonetheless, the story of Sirius did not end, and he continued onward toward the pie; the pie that was promised to lead him to his best friends, Lily and James Potter. And so he continued on to the pie, to Lily and James, and to become the Unicorn King.

The day was almost halfway done, and Sirius journeyed along the path through the forest. Only the sounds of the bristling pine needles were to be heard, until suddenly, a distant rumbling noise fell upon his ears.

"Perhaps it's going to rain," Sirius thought aloud, gazing up at the heavily gray clouds above. Another rumbling echoed through the woods, and Sirius picked up his pace, hoping to cover more ground before the storm came. Then, another rumble came, but from much closer. Sirius broke into a run, trying to beat the storm and find shelter. Another booming rumble filled the air, and suddenly it was upon him. "It" however, was not a storm; "it" was a troll, a very large, very smelly, very ugly troll going by the very troll-ish name of Erg.

Erg tore down the trail, his greatly stinky feet crashing down upon the Earth like two stinky foot-shaped boulders. In a matter of moments, Erg stood behind Sirius, who turned around very slowly to face him.

"Er…hello?" the human greeted hesitantly.

"Ugh," replied Erg.

"Nice to meet you," said Sirius, backing away from the troll cautiously.

"Ugh," Erg responded stupidly.

"Gloomy weather today, isn't it?" Sirius asked as he withdrew his wand from his robes.

"Ugh."

"Not much of a talker, are you?"

"Ugh!" the troll declared, staring down at Sirius hungrily.

"Huh. Well, that's very interesting and what not, but I had better be off. Places to go, people to see, pies to retrieve, you know," Sirius stated.

"UGH!" the repulsive, huge creature bellowed, its sickening breath filling Sirius's nostrils.

"Have you considered a breath mint?" he asked, positively disgusted.

"UGH! UGH, UGH, UGH!" it hollered as its club swung down, barely missing Sirius's left ear.

"My, aren't we feeling angry today!" Sirius stated, backing away from the gigantic creature more quickly.

"UUUGGGH!" Erg it roared deafeningly, swinging its club fanatically at the human.

Raising his wand, Sirius spoke, "_Expelliarmus!" _The club flew from the troll's massive hand, and flew over the tree tops, never to be seen again. The troll looked at Sirius confusedly for a moment before speaking.

"Well, why on Earth did you do that?" Sirius was stunned by the creature's suddenly enlarged vocabulary. "It isn't as though I was really going to eat you," explained the troll, "I'm actually a vegetarian. I was only having a bit of fun." Sirius stared, shocked.

"But….you're a troll! You're supposed to grunt and be stupid…and eat people!" he shouted. Erg rolled his eyes.

"We don't _really_ do that. That's just we want you to think. As a matter of fact, most trolls are somewhat intelligent; we just like to keep to ourselves. We thought that if you lot think we're all a bunch of idiots that you would leave us alone," said Erg, the apparently intelligent troll.

"Oh…well, I suppose that makes sense," Sirius stated, though still thoroughly confused. Erg nodded. The two stared at each other for a moment, before Sirius added, "Well, I'd better be going. Good-bye." He quickly set off down the trail without as much as a glance back at Erg, hoping that he would never see another troll again.

Mere moments after his encounter with Erg, Sirius heard yet more rumbling. Wishing it to be a storm instead of another troll, he hurried along down the path towards Molehill Mountain. But as he grew closer, the rumbling grew louder, and louder, until he reached the landmark itself, where the noise became a deafening roar. Covering his ears, Sirius gazed up at the mountain, only to discover that it was moving, and that it appeared to be made up entirely of molehills, and judging by the sound of it, the moles were all engaged in a major bowling tournament.

Hesitant to climb the Molehill Mountain, Sirius appraised it once more. The mountain wasn't exactly what one would call immense, but it certainly was no quaint, little hill either. Warily, Sirius started up the shaking mountain, attempting to avoid falling. But it was to no avail, as a tiny, brown creature popped up out of one of the holes and alarming him.

"Who are you?" the mole queried, looking straight at Sirius.

"Er…Sirius," he replied.

"Well, Er Sirius, I see that you've decided to climb up our mountain!" the mole declared.

Sirius stared blankly at the animal before saying, "I thought moles were blind." The mole rolled its beady eyes.

"Ever heard of contact lenses?" it asked snootily. "Anyways, why are you climbing our mountain and disturbing our sleep?"

"How could you sleep with all that noise and the mountain shaking?" Sirius questioned, extremely surprised.

"Some of us happen to have nasal congestion, and we snore. Ever heard of snoring?" the mole asked even more snootily than before. "And you still haven't answered my question.

"I need to climb over the mountain to get to the Almighty Almond Flavored Pie," he explained. The mole gazed at him haughtily before rolling its miniscule eyes once more.

"Well, if you must, then carry on," it replied. Sirius stood shakily as the mountain continued to move, and the mole watched him scramble farther up to the top of the mountain and out of sight, and then sinking back down into its hole to sleep.

As the sky darkened further, Sirius tarried on down the mountain. In a matter of moments, thick droplets of water began to leak from the clouds, and Sirius hurried on, hoping to reach the Fuzzy Forest before a torrential downpour began. He did not. The rain came crashing down upon the mountain, soaking the shaking ground. Sirius struggled downwards, slipping and sliding over the mud covering the moving mountain. Falling flat on his face, Sirius skidded down the mountain and landed on a large patch of grass.

After somehow managing to regain his footing, Sirius found that the rain had washed all of the mud from his robes within several seconds. Sloshing over the grass towards the forest, Sirius took shelter under and extremely large and extremely hairy tree. Looking up at the canopy of leaves above him, Sirius noticed that they too were quite fuzzy.

The rain raged on for hours. Deciding that it was not going to clear up any time soon, Sirius pulled out his sleeping bag from his pack and spread it out on the ground. Fortunately, the tree was so enormous that it was quite capable of sheltering at twenty people, meaning that Sirius was incredibly comfortable and had quite a lot of room to move around. With a pang, Sirius realized that this tree would definitely be able to shelter Judy and Fred as well, had they been alive.

As the clouds drifted apart to reveal the starry night sky, Sirius felt rather lonely. Suddenly, he heard someone call out to him. He glanced wildly around.

"Who's there?" he called.

"Sirius!" someone yelled again.

"Who is it?"

"SIRIUS!" they shouted.

"I know I'm here, but who are you?" he yelled back at the mysterious person.

"SIIIRIIIUUS!"

"WHO ARE YOU, AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Sirius shouted as loud as humanly possible. No reply came. Shaking his head, Sirius thought quietly to himself, "Now that was just stupid." And with that, he fell promptly asleep.


	6. Sirius Black: Discoverer of the Pie?

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, yeah….I think we all know what I own, which is nothing. Oh, and I'm very sorry that this took so long….I've been a bit obsessed with the latest book and movie for the past few week. This is probably not the best chapter I've written either, but I don't think it's too horrible. Anyways, on with the story!

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Sirius Black: Discoverer of the Pie?

Dawn erupted with splashes of orange and red over the treetops of Fuzzy Forest. All was calm as a small wind washed over the furry leaves, raising the little hairs blanketing them. A downy squirrel snatched up a small acorn to munch upon, and nibbled daintily on the tasty treasure. Without warning, the silence and calm was interrupted by a loud, angry voice.

"SIRIUS!" it yelled loudly and angrily. Sirius, however, did not reply, and remained asleep beneath a particularly massive, hairy tree. "SIRIUS BLACK!" called the voice. "SIIIIRUUUSSS!" But he did not stir.

"Hey! Why are you yelling so loudly?" squeaked the squirrel.

"Because," the voice began slightly in a slightly softer tone, "I need to talk to Sirius, who is still asleep beneath a particularly massive and hairy tree!"

"Oh," replied the squirrel. "Well, carry on, if you must."

"SIRIUS! Wake up, you lazy fool!"

"Make me!" cried Serios.

"Who are you?" the voice asked the random newcomer.

"I am Serios Bleck," he replied in a very thick, odd accent.

"You mean, _Sirius Black_?"

"No! I am Serios Bleck, of zee Old and Most Moldy 'ouse of Bleck!" he cried.

"Well, that's terrific, but I need to talk to Sirius Black," replied the voice, its patience clearly wearing thin.

"Zat is too bad for you, because 'e is dead! I keeled 'eem!" Serios stated triumphantly.

"No you didn't, he's right there!"

"Zen why is 'e not moving?"

"He's asleep, you retard!" the voice yelled wildly. Serios gasped.

"'Ow dare you insult me? And besides, if 'e is asleep, zen what is zat?" Serios said, pointing to a pile of rapidly melting snow.

"That's a load of melting ice!" yelled the voice.

"Or is it?" Serios asked in what he obviously thought was a very mysterious tone.

The voice cried, "OF COURSE IT IS, YO—"

"_I_ am Sireous Blagh!" declared the pile of soon-to-be water before the voice could finish.

"I RUDDY WELL DON'T CARE!" bellowed the voice, almost impossibly loudly. The call rang out through the forest, back over Molehill Mountain, where the moles actually were bowling now, over Lemon Leaf Lake, up in the sky where it frightened a young bluebird named Thomasina, and then back down through the forest, which abruptly fell silent.

Suddenly, a twig cracked beneath the foot of Sirius Black, who had been hoping to make a clean get away without having to confront the owner of the voice, Serios Bleck, the melting snow pile called Sireous Blagh, or the squirrel watching the whole scene as if it were a regular occurrence in Fuzzy Forest, which it most certainly was not. Despite what Sirius had hoped, everyone whom he had been avoiding turned to gaze upon him.

"Hullo," he greeted drearily.

"Are you Sirius Black?" Serios spat.

"Yes," he replied half-heartedly.

"Well, that took long enough!" the voice declared, as its owner, a large, elfish creature, stepped out from behind a gigantic, wooly oak.

"Mildred!" Sirius gasped.

"Oh, yes, those blasted unicorns did call me that," Mildred recalled.

"But…you died! That's the reason they sent Fred and Judy and me to find the Almighty Almond Flavored Pie!" Sirius cried.

Mildred chuckled, saying, "Mildred did die; nobody calls me that anymore. You see, it's not my real name. I am actually called, Mimblewimble!"

"Mimblewimble?" Serios asked disdainfully.

"Yeah, d'you have a problem with that?" she replied angrily.

"It's just, well, zat is an utterly ridiculous name," Serios laughed.

"Oh, and I suppose that what you're called is a fat lot better, is it?" Mimblewimble snarled.

"Of course it is, you disgraceful creature!" he spat back scornfully.

"Well, I think that both your names are very interesting," Sireous Blagh, now a puddle of water, suggested calmly.

Sirius glanced from the pathetic puddle of water, to the random, snooty, foreign fellow with the peculiar accent, to Mimblewimble, also known as Mildred, also known as angry voice, and then said, "Yes, well, I really need to be going now, so, good bye!" He turned on his heal, and set off down the trail.

"Hang on! I need to talk to you!" Mimblewimble hobbled down the trail towards him as fast as her stubby, wobbly legs could carry her. Sirius sighed heavily and turned towards her as he readjusted the pink pack on his back. Panting with effort, Mimblewimble reached Sirius and addressed him: "Remember, you are the only one who can retrieve the pie!" Sirius stared blankly at her.

"I think you've already told me that," he stated blandly.

The wrinkly, elfish creature rolled her oddly round eyes, saying, "Well, yes, but it's important! I couldn't let you forget it!" This ugly, old, oddball was most definitely beginning to annoy Sirius.

"Yeah, well, Fred and Judy are dead, so I really don't think you need to worry much about anyone else retrieving the pie. So, if you're finished annoying me now, I'll just be leaving now." Turning his back on her once more, Sirius stomped off down the trail towards Lemon Leaf Lake.

"Yo, yo, yo! Don't be a hater!" called Mimblewimble, as Serios Bleck began to beat-box.

"Bom bom chh ka bom bom ka chh! Bom bom chh, ka bom bom ka chh!"

Then the rapping started:

"Yo, da unicorns call me Mildred!

And now two o' dem are dead!

I'm dat house-elf dat nobody likes,

But I got wisdom dat er'rebody needs!

You might o' done some bad deeds,

But I don't care as long as you named Gerald,

I'll bring you news like da evening herald!

Get funky, y'all!"

"Bom bom chh, ka bom bom ka chh! Bom bom chh ka bom bom ka chh!" Serios continued as Mimblewimble began to break dance with the energy of someone one sixteenth her age. Sireous, the puddle of water, began splash around in what he clearly imagined to be a dance.

"Holla!" Sireous hollered. The house-elf that nobody likes began to spin around on the foliage-covered ground on her backside in a rather disturbing fashion, before hopping to her feet to perform an odd sort of hip-hop jig.

"Go Mimblewimble, go Mimblewimble! You da house-elf, you da house-elf! You can dance now, you can dance now!" Sireous chanted.

"Bom bom chh ka bom bom ka chh! Bom bom chh, ka bom bom ka chh!"

"Yo, yo, yo! Don't be a hater!" Mimblewimble finished, as she and Serios leaned back-to-back against each other while striking what they apparently thought were gangster poses.

Sirius stared disgustedly at the two of them and the puddle of water beside them, before declaring, "That was absolutely dreadful. I utterly abhor the both of you. Never, ever rap again…ever!" Impressed with his own sophisticated vocabulary, but still rather disturbed by the bizarre performance, he set off down the trail once more, determined not to be distracted by anymore dreadful displays.

After approximately a seven minute stroll down the dirt path, Sirius came upon a truly magnificent sight; A lake twice the size of the Great Hall at Hogwarts stood before him. Yet, this was not the extraordinary part, for as the sun glistened of the lake, the color yellow flooded his vision. This lake appeared to be filled entirely with lemon juice, and a small island, upon which the Almighty Almond Flavored Pie was certainly located, stood proudly in the middle of it. Glancing excitedly around the lake, Sirius spotted numerous lemon trees, though shorter and definitely less furry than the trees of Fuzzy Forest, they seemed to surround the lake like an entourage of leafy soldiers protecting a spectacular treasure.

Robes billowing outwards in the lemony liquid, Sirius waded into the lake, and began to swim. He swam towards the island, towards the Almighty Almond Flavored Pie, towards the title of Unicorn King, and most importantly to him, towards Lily and James Potter, two of the best friends he had ever had.

Then, suddenly recalling his ability to become an animagus, Sirius transformed into his alter-ego, a massive, black, shaggy dog, and paddled as fast as his surprisingly large paws could paddle. What would Lily and James say to him when they saw each other for the first time in years? What would the pie be like? What if neither they nor the pie were there, and this had been some sort of sick joke? Or worse, what if they were there and they hated him for causing their deaths? Would they even remember him? After all, he did look quite a bit different than he had almost fifteen years ago…

Finally, he reached the island, which he now realized was made entirely out of lemon seeds. Excitement flooded the pit of his stomach as he clambered onto it, shaking the super sour lemon juice from his thick, black coat. As he became human once more, Sirius strode towards a large stone structure, rather like a cave, which stood in the middle of the island. Shaking, he entered into it, and called out.

"James? Lily?" his voice trembled with excitement.

"Sirius?" called a familiar voice. "Is that you?" And suddenly, a very, very familiar face popped out from behind a stone wall, and Sirius was overcome with joy.


	7. Sirius Black: Happy Days Are Here Again!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. (If I did, Deathly Hollows would NOT have ended like it did...I won't say anymore, in case anyone hasn't read it, which would be a crime against humanity and all reptiles…) I also do not own Bob Saget, Marvin the mushroom, a stone waffle iron, "Full House," Realization, "The Simpson's,"

A/N: I am soooooooo terribly sorry that I haven't updated in such a long time! I deserve for absolutely no one to read this! I am absolutely, terribly, awfully, incredibly, morbidly, horrifically deeesguuusted with myself!

I would like to dedicate this, the last chapter, to all the people who have read this story, are reading it now, or will read it in the future. Now, I'm going to go cry and procrastinate doing my homework, which I deplore. But alas, let us continue on with the story of Sirius Black: Unicorn King!

Sirius Black: Happy Days Are Here Again!

"James!" Sirius called to the man now standing before him.

"Sirius!" James called back.

"JAMES!" Sirius shouted ecstatically.

"SIRIUS!" yelled James, equally thrilled.

"JAMES!"

"SIRIUS!"

"JAMES!" 

"SIRIUS!"

"James, are you talking to yourself again? I know it's lonely out here, but…oh! It is Sirius!" Lily Potter cried as she stepped out into the cave-room. "I can't believe it!"

"I can't believe it either!" James stated, unbelievingly.

"Me neither and I don't even know what we aren't believing!" Sirius shouted joyfully, as he ran forward to embrace his two pals. After several very suffocating hugs, and several more exclamations of excitement, the chums settled down to sit atop stone stools around a smooth, circular stone table.

"So Sirius," Lily began, slightly out of breath from all the suffocation of hugs and the celebration, "How did you get here?"

"Well, first I was dead, and then I was in a meadow with this psychotic unicorn, against whom I supposedly committed a crime, and was sentenced by this judge unicorn called Judy who pretty much hated my guts! Then, I got in trouble for a murder I didn't commit,_ again_, and there was a really annoying doofus, Fred, and Judy got fired, and we all had to go on this quest to find the Almighty Almond Flavored Pecan Pie! But _then_ Judy and Fred died, and the house-elf lady that I didn't kill was there with this freaky foreign guy who thought he was me, and then I ran away, and then I swam for a long time, and now I'm here!" Sirius finished at last.

Lily and James looked at each other, puzzled, before James said, "Well _that's_ weird." Which, indeed, it was.

"Well, err…do you really have that pie?" Sirius asked uncertainly.

"What pie?" James queried.

Sirius rolled his eyes, saying, "You know, the Almighty Almond Flavored Pecan Pie! The one that those dolts sent me through quicksand and over a mountain of moles and through a giant, creepy forest and to this island to get? The one that would supposedly, make me "king" of the unicorns and what not?" Lily and James blinked blankly back at him for a moment, before realization struck them.

"OUCH! What the hell was that for?" Lily snarled at Realization.

"Wha' choo talkin' 'bout? It said, "Realization struck them," so I 'ad to strike ya!"

"Whoever created that term needs to be locked up for a long time," James stated, massaging his jaw where Realization had struck him. Realization eyed the two Potters warily, before deciding to depart.

"Well, my work 'ere is done," it stated simply, and promptly vanished in a puff of periwinkle smoke.

"All right then, moving on. Do you remember now what pie I'm talking about?" Sirius questioned exasperatedly.

"Huh? Oh, right then, yeah, we do, but you see…the problem is…that we err, well…" James looked uncomfortably at Lily.

"The thing is, that, I mean, we were really hungry…and there wasn't any other food…"

"Yeah, and err, what else were we to do? Starve to death?" James continued. Sirius glanced back and forth between them incredulously.

"You ate it, didn't you?" He asked.

"Yeah, yeah we did."

"But," Lily began slowly, as if she was just remembering something. "We saved a piece, remember?"

"Yeah! Because we thought that Marvin might want some!" 

"Wait, who's Marvin?" queried Sirius.

"Oh, he was our pet mushroom…but he, err, died in a tragic smelting accident," Lily alleged.

"You ate him too, didn't you?" Sirius inquired, somewhat amused by his best friends' appetite, but somewhat frightened as well.

"Yeah, yeah we did."

"Anyways, we still have a piece left of the pie!" Lily exclaimed.

"Yes, so you're journey was not entirely fruitless!" James declared.

"Actually, I believe that it was, seeing as nuts aren't fruits," Lily stated.

"How do you know?" James argued.

"Because…well, I just do!"

"You wanna bet?" 

"No!"

"Why not?"

"Because!"

"Because why?" 

"STOP!" Sirius bellowed, his cry echoing through the cave.

"Sorry," James and Lily apologized.

"It's OK," Sirius said calmly. "Right, so now that we're back on track, where is this last piece of pie?"

"In the pantry," James replied serenely, though still glaring fiercely at Lily. Sirius whirled around in search of the pantry, and suddenly felt his big toe connect with something solid and silver in color.

"OW! WHAT WAS THAT?" Sirius cried out angrily, hopping around the stone kitchen area on one foot while hold the other in pain. Lily glanced guilty down at the offending object.

"It's a waffle iron," she stated shamefully. Sirius stopped his one-footed motion momentarily to stare confusedly at her. "A stone waffle iron," she clarified.

"Pardon my asking, but why in the name of Bob Saget would you need a stone waffle iron?" he cried out again, still confused.

"Hang on a minute, who's Bob Saget?" James asked, just as puzzled as Sirius.

Sirius rolled his eyes, and explained, "You know, tall, skinny, ugly guy? He was on "Full House," remember?" Lily and James exchanged bamboozled looks, and shook their heads at Sirius in a way implying that they were concerned for their sanity.

"So anyways, what were we talking about before Bob Saget?" inquired Lily.

"Oh, yeah," Sirius recalled, "Why do you have a stone waffle iron?"

James shrugged, " I got bored, Lily wanted waffles, there was a gnome; it seemed like the thing to do, you know? Everything was in order."

"What did the gnome have to do with it?" Sirius posed.

"Oh, well, _everyone_ knows that gnomes make the best waffles ever!" Lily stated, plainly flabbergasted at Sirius's lack of knowledge of gnomes or waffles. 

"I see. So. What was I doing? I remember! Where's the pantry?" Sirius said, finally returning to his original quest. James turned around to face the solid stone wall, and tapped it with his wand one…two…three…four…five…six…seven…eight…

"How long exactly is this going to take?" asked Sirius impatiently.

"Only…four hundred ninety-two more times," replied James.

"You have to tap it as many times as a common denominator of five and ten," Lily elucidated.

"I'm not claiming to be an expert at this sort of stuff, but I think that ten is common denominator those," Sirius said slowly, as though he were talking to someone with severe damage to their cerebrum.

"Huh...guess I never thought of it that way…" James stated embarrassedly. He tapped it twice more, and the gray, solid wall swung forward to reveal an extremely cramped cubbyhole, in the middle of which stood a two and a half legged stool. Upon the stool sat something that was obviously rotting, awfully green, and covered in saran wrap. "There's the pie," James alleged sheepishly. Sirius stepped forward to sniff it with his keen, dog-like smelling machine. The decaying pie reeked horribly of mold, yet he could vaguely discern the scent of almonds.

"Err, I haven't got to eat this, have I?" Sirius eyed what the badly preserved pie fearfully.

"I sure hope not," Lily declared. "That thing is nasty."

"We should give it a name," James suggested. "Then you'll have a reason not to eat it, in case those crazy unicorns try to make you."

"That's a good idea, because the fact that it's partially alive and covered in a strange, green, hair-like substance is definitely not convincing enough. Besides, having a name didn't stop you from gobbling up Marvin the mushroom," Sirius chided jokingly.

Lily cleared her throat, and asked, "Speaking of the unicorns, shouldn't we be getting back to their little village so they can meet their new king?"

"Who's their new king?" Sirius queried, bewildered.

"You are, smart-one," James returned.

"Oh. Well, what if I don't want to be the king?" This was a very good question, for truly, Sirius did not think that being the king of a group of intolerably cheerful, talking horses would be very pleasurable.

"Why wouldn't you want to be king? James and I would be there too," explained Lily. Sirius cheered immediately, his face twisting into his goofy grin.

"Really?" Sirius thought it too good to be true.

"Yeah, really?" James inquired.

Lily rolled her lime eyes up at the stone ceiling, saying, "Did you read the fine print on the contract? It said that we would have to go back to the village to advise the new king or queen."

"And here I was thinking we'd never have to see those creepy things again. Hey, when did you get lime eyes, anyway?" James asked, staring at her vibrant eyes.

"Well, usually people say their _emerald,_ but I don't think so. They look a bit more limey, don't you think?" Lily said, glancing in a nearby mirror that had been made out of superheated sand that turned to glass.

"No, not at all."

"Yeah, they look pretty un-limey to me," Sirius alleged, agreeing with James.

"_Fine then_. But, as I was saying, we should get back to the unicorns," Lily admitted.

Sirius shook his head. "No, I really don't think we should."

"Mos' def'!" James hollered.

Lily shook her head, and scowled, "Who do you think you are, James?"

"What do you mean, 'Who do I think I am?' I am James Potter, Prongs the Marauder, the father of the Boy-Who-Lived!" he declared proudly, puffing out his thin chest. Suddenly, a thoughtful expression came over James Potter the Marauder's face. "Hey, how is Harry anyway?"

"Yeah," Lily began, "how is he?" They turned towards Sirius expectantly.

"Well," Sirius started shamefully, "You see, I didn't actually raise Harry…exactly."

"Well, why the hell not?" James demanded.

"Yeah, why the hell not?" Lily also demanded.

"Alright, to make a long story short, I went to check on Wormtail that night, found he was gone, hopped over to your place, saw the whole freakin' mess, then Hagrid came and told me that Dumbledore told him that Harry had to go live with Petunia and the large one. I tried to stop him," Sirius said wildly, looking at the stunned expressions , "I tried to take Harry with me, but Hagrid said it was Dumbledore's orders, so I let him take Harry to the Dursleys. Needless to say, I went to hunt down that betraying rat-fiend, Pettigrew, but when I caught up with him, he shouted out to the whole street that I had double-crossed you, blew up all the nearby muggles with his wand behind his back, cut off his own finger to fake his own death, and lived the next thirteen years as a rat, while I got carted off to Azkaban.

"But I escaped," he continued, "One day, I turned into Padfoot, snuck through the bars in my cell, and gave the Dementors the slip. Eventually, the ministry found out and they put all these flyers everywhere, and gave the Dementors permission to guard Hogwarts, and kiss me if they found me."

"Wait a minute, why would they have the Dementors guarding Hogwarts?" James queried intensely.

"For some reason, the idiots seemed to think that I was after Harry. Must have thought me mad enough to go hunt him down. And I did go to Hogwarts, but not for Harry. Somehow, little Wormtail had ended up as a pet rat to Harry's friend Ron. Ron's family was in the Prophet for winning the lottery or something, and it said that the children were at Hogwarts, with one of youngest ones in Harry's year. There was a picture, and I recognized Pettigrew as the rat on Ron's shoulder immediately. So, I went to Hogwarts, hung around there for a bit, conducted several abortive attempts to catch the rat, who Ron called Scabbers, but eventually I caught up with them in the Shrieking Shack. Anyways, Harry and his friends, Ron and Hermione, and Remus, who was teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts that year all found out I was innocent, as well as Dumbledore and Snivellus. Harry and Hermione helped me escape on Hagrid's hippogriff, Buckbeak, and I had been hiding out in the mountains until Voldy got resurrected last year, and we used Grimauld Place as headquarters for the Order. Then, at a battle that Harry was lured to by Voldemort, Bellatrix killed me, and now I'm here," he finished with a grimace.

"Wow," Lily stated.

"Yeah," James began, yawning, "I thought you said that was going to be a short story."

Sirius shrugged. "I led a very complicated life."

"So we see," Lily agreed.

"Wait, even after Dumbledore knew you were innocent, did Harry still have to live with the Dursleys?" James asked.

"Yeah," Sirius nodded morosely, "But he came to Grimauld Place for a while during the summer holidays, and at Christmas when Ron's dad was attacked by Voldemort's pet snake."

"Wow," Lily stated again.

"There was some pretty weird stuff going on, wasn't there?" James posed.

"Yeah," Lily sighed, "Kind of makes me wish I hadn't died." James nodded in agreement.

"There's still the afterlife to look forward to, though, isn't there?" Sirius solicited mildly.

"Mos' def'," James agreed. And without further ado, the three chums settled in for the night, with Sirius camping out on the surprisingly comfortable rock couch. After all, the day had been a very long and highly exhausting one.

The next morning, James, Lily, and Sirius rose early. Well, really only a little early. Alright, alright, they slept until four o'clock in the afternoon, and then had waffles, which were made by the offending waffle iron from the previous night.

"I sure do love waffles," Sirius declared dandily as he helped himself to his thirteenth one.

"Me too," Lily concurred, her mouth stuffed with waffle, fructose-filled syrup dripping down her pale, freckly chin.

"Hmm…I feel like we're forgetting something important," supposed James.

"Yeah," Lily agreed after swallowing her waffle.

"Really? 'Cos I sure don't. At least nothing important anyway," Sirius said loftily.

"What do you mean?" the Potters questioned him in unison.

"Well, there was that thing about going back to the unicorns so they know that I'm their king now, or whatever," he added.

Realization dawned upon James and Lily. "Oh yeah! That!"

"Mm-hmm…not like it's pertinent or anything," Sirius stated simply, shrugging.

"Of course it is! We should go now!" Lily declared as she stood up, her rock fork clattering to the rock floor.

"Lil's right, amigo," James admitted. "We probably should go tell them soon, before they forget about you." 

"They probably already have," Sirius snorted. "They have attention spans half the size of Homer Simpson's."

"You mean, Bob Saget's?" James corrected him.

"No, you know, Homer, from "The Simpson's," a bit rotund, loves donuts and bacon, dumber than Bertha Jorkins and Cornelius Fudge combined?"

"Sorry, not ringing a bell," James said.

"How can you not know "The Simpson's," I mean, they're all yellow except for Apu and that doctor and that other guy that works with Homer at Burns's radioactive power plant!" James and Lily looked quizzically at each other. "You know what? Just forget I even mentioned it. Now, come on! We've got some unicorns to inform!" Sirius declared, and so the three friends marched out of the nature-made door, and around to the back of the tiny island surrounded by Lemon Leaf Lake. Surprisingly enough, there sat a little rowboat.

"That would have been nice to have on the way over here," Sirius grumbled.

"Yeah, and we don't have to go through all that rubbish that you did," James stated.

"Hold up, you mean there's an easier way?" inquired Sirius.

"Of course! Didn't you know? The unicorn village is just there!" James exclaimed, pointing to the other side of the yellow lake. Indeed, Sirius could hear little whinnies and unicorn giggles issuing from the trees in that direction.

"I loathe them," he confirmed clearly.

"Oh, they aren't _that_ bad," Lily chided. She seemed to reconsider this idea for a moment, before saying, "Fine, they are that bad." She stepped gracefully into the little wooden rowboat, James and Sirius following suit. The tiny contraption sped over to the land of its own accord, and before he knew it, Sirius had re-entered the tiny village of unicorns, but this time, he held the moldy pie in his hands.

"Ooh, look! Sirius has returned with the pie and some other people!" a small unicorn declared as it spotted the people entering the village. Without warning, a large cry broke out from the nearby unicorns. The whinnying creatures galloped towards the humans, and swept Sirius onto their backs, as they cried, "The king! The king! We have a new king!" Which, indeed, they did.

Sirius, James, and Lily spent the rest of their days lounging around in the little barn-palace, eating waffles from a silver, stone waffle iron, ruling over the unicorns peacefully and with a little respect for their kind-hearted ways, getting into odd sorts of mischief, similar to those days back at Hogwarts, and watching muggle television programs, such as "The Simpson's," and "Full House," with Bob Saget. One day, nearly a year after Sirius's coronation as king, Dumbledore joined them, followed by "Mad-Eye" Moody, then Remus, Tonks, and a great, great while later, Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Ginny, on the other hand, never did, because she figured out how to make the Elixir of Life, and lived on forever and ever. But she just didn't know how much she was missing out on, for as Dumbledore once wisely said, "Death is just the beginning of another great adventure." Too true Dumbledore, too true.

THE END


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